yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I party with great urgency now.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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