i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
