a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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