I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
