I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
