My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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