I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
