I wanna bring you to show and tell
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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