Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
