Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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