what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Found the puke drawer
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Randomize
