M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
