my phone needs a breathalizer
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
