You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
