fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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