swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
