hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
