my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
