I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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