grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
