i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
