I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
