i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
