I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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