some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
