Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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