i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
