Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You can't just leave with hair like that
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize
