I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
