College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
