it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
