You don't have asthma, your pregnant
ugly people sure do ruin things
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
