I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
