Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
