im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
