we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
