How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
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The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?