My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
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Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
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I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..