This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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