Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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