Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
