Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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