Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
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I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
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We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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