Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
