I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
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I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
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I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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