You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
