I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
