my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
