singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
