Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
