I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
