i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
