make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
