I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She announced her abortion via fbk
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
