Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize