the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
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She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
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I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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