allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
