Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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