I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
