I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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