Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
