Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
