a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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