i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
