Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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